I’ve been writing this post for a long time. It’s difficult to know what to write without being depressing but keeping it real.
For starters- I truly think that hard work has the best rewards- with everything. But sometimes I feel like I know my limits and stop hitting my head against a brick wall. In all areas of life.
It’s hard to understand another persons life, or experiences even when they share them with you. We all see and react so differently, feel and hurt so differently and completely miss other people’s pain sometimes. I’ve found it’s hard even if that person lives your same challenges- for example your spouse.
The most real thing in marriage for me is how hard it actually is. That no matter how much you love someone, it is never 100% happy or smooth sailing. It’s hard. It’s actually brutal sometimes (especially with a new born or no sleep ha!!). Each time another stress is added into our lives such as Laurens recent ill health, it feels like the only way to go is to break. Because you can’t hurt this much anymore all on your own, and neither one of us feels that pain and sadness in the same way. So how do we help each other? I don’t know that in each situation that we can even? It’s lonely and can be a minefield of information whizzing around your head. How does someone get inside that and help when you don’t know what thoughts are rational yourself!
Thoughts of losing Lauren definitely plague me. But thoughts of losing Wyatt were certainly added to that when he was diagnosed. In such intense situations both husband and wife start thinking about the things that scare them most and some of that isn’t the same stuff. So you end up in a very heightened intense stressed situation. And who do you turn on? Each other. It’s like a cage you’re locked in and there’s no one else around- so it’s each other.
I’ve thought that it needs to be over so that we stop hurting. I’ve thought that we need to separate so we each get a break from our caring roles. I’ve thought the only answer to all of this sadness and pain was to break up and just deal with me, and protect myself. Jonathan has thought those same things. Does that mean we don’t love each other? No. But marriage is brutal sometimes.
I don’t expect marriage to be easy, but I would love to get to just focus on that- without it coming last because there is literally no time left.
This past week (month/year to be honest but more so lately) Jonnie and I have chatted about how we can keep trying. Because after calming down from arguments- (please note- telling me to calm down has NEVER EVER worked- just an FYI 😂😂) you see clearer what you want. We want to be a family. We really want to be together. It’s hard work but everything we do is. So how do we put that into action so that the next time things get so hard we don’t just call it a day? You have to focus on the other and hope they do the same. It’s no ones job to make me happy but I think in a partnership you vow to try do all you can for the other. If both do that then it should at least lighten the load and make it more bare able. Thoughtfulness and kindness go a very long way!
We made promises to each other and vows, and I made a promise to my Father in Heaven and Jonathan that I would love Jonathan forever. And so I will keep trying to do my bit. But in and amongst that I will probably still dream of smothering his snoring self with a pillow 😏😉.
Marriage is hard and if you’re struggling and all you think you see around you is happy marriages, please don’t worry- I’m convinced everyone thinks marriage is and can be hard.
Now- what you do with that situation is probably the difference between strong marriages and finding a friend in a family solicitor.
Just keep going and find ways to communicate!! It is massively key to alllllll happiness (huh hmmm Jonathan!!!!).
Date your spouse- it’s no good trying until you ‘get’ them then ignoring them. Finding attention in other places isn’t hard, but a happy loyal person would probably not even notice attention from elsewhere. Your spouse deserves you to still date them.
Have some social life. Everyone needs people. Everyone including me! Keep others around so that you know it’s ok to struggle sometimes but to keep trying will hopefully bring you joy.
I’m no expert. The opposite. But I know my marriage is super hard work and I’m super hard work. I have been on the brink of leaving. I’ve been giddy happy. I’ve neglected, and been neglected. Is any of that out of maliciousness? I really don’t believe it is. But it’s definitely good to re focus and be honest and try your best to achieve that happy marriage you want.
Of course there are exceptions- and I don’t think anyone should be trying to stay in any kind of abusive situation. In case you don’t know me. Just so that’s clear.
After some real soul searching lately, I’ve refreshed my brain and recharged my commitment to do my part because I love Jonathan and the good man he is. I want this to work no matter how hard it gets.