I think sometimes we’re given trials to help us realise just what we’re capable of. My worst fear was having a second child with that possibility of them having CF too. The odds were in our favour but I knew the risk.
When we had Wyatt and ten days later were told he had CF too, my world seem to shatter again. The fears and pain are all very real and I felt them and still feel them creep up from time to time and get angry at how unfair life can be.
I flip from wondering if this is my personal challenge to conquer, or if this is a trial just for the kids and I’m bystander just here to help them. The truth is I have no idea why life is exactly how it is. No clue.
What I do know is that this was my worst fear. The thing that stopped me for years having our little boy. It kept me up at night worrying throughout my pregnancy. It made me judge myself more harshly than any outsider could. It made my heart ache with wishing and hoping that he wouldn’t get it.
And then of course, he did get it. What I’ve learned since that is pretty immense! I thought I knew it before, but I didn’t; love really does conquer all. That doesn’t mean it conquers CF or stop it or change the worries or risks. But it absolutely does enhance any fighting spirit within us as a family to do more to keep our children healthy however we possibly can. It means I sit back and have my heart completely full when the children independent of me or Jonnie get up and hold hands and dance along to music together!! 😃
I watch as Wyatt comes along to help with Laurens physio and she adores him doing it.
They’re magnets to each other ha!!
We’re supposed to keep them separate for physio but our house doesn’t allow for that. So I get worried from time to time. But I just have to do what I need to and leave the rest up to Heavenly Father. That might sound ridiculous to you and I don’t care that it does. I can’t do anything else. I pray Wyatt will be kept safe from the bugs Lauren has. I pray he won’t bring new bugs along that will compromise her lung health. I plan and plan to be out of the house and busy during holidays to minimise risks (as well as keep my sanity), all the while trying not to let that take charge so that I end up not letting them be near each other and bond.
Now there’s also a new dynamic that once one of them gets a cough/cold/sore throat- the other one does. Much harder to keep one well!
Above everything I’ve learned that I can do my worst thing. My heart still hurts, but my heart can totally take it because of how much I love these two beautiful children. I can face my worst fear head on. Sure- things get complicated and I use crazy amounts of shrynges, nappies, medicines, go to lots of appointments. I have to remember loads between the two of them and I worry. But love conquers all that and I would choose Wyatt all over again knowing what I know now.
We can all do hard things, we’re all asked to do hard things. No one is immune to that. Sometimes I think that until we live it we don’t realise our own strength and tenacity.
Don’t let fear stop you! Do not let fear persuade you that you’re not strong enough or brave enough. I sincerely believe Satan is as real as God, and his one purpose is to bring us misery. With that belief, I do not want that to stop me living. Look what I would have lived without had I kept listening to that voice!!
It’s hard having two with CF. It’s hard on lots of levels. And I guess you just have to be there to really witness it. But Jonnie and I can do this, and have an army of people right there helping us.