Lockdown thoughts

I know it’s hard for so many people for a myriad of reasons and I really don’t mean to sound like I’m grateful for this horrid virus. I’m not. I understand that everyone has things that have affected their lives and I wish it could be easier for everyone. I’m sad that people are losing loved ones, not seeing loved ones and missing people enormously.

Lauren is struggling so bad with this and has definitely lost some of her spark. She needs people and I’m not sure I really understood that until this lockdown/shielding experience. She thrives on human connection. In fact it feeds her soul and I believe one of her greatest purpose of being here- spreading her joy is fed by her interaction and being around others. She’s finding it hard and it’s hard to watch.

Having said that- she is, as I am, really loving having Jonnie around more.

I’m looking for our silver linings and I’ve found many. Jonnie being home more has brought a peace and calmness to our home and especially my mentality that I’ve not felt before. Summer holidays for us are usually our own version of lockdown. But Jonnie is at work and we’re stuck inside during the days with no place to go and no one to see and it nearly every year drives me into a depression until it’s over. It’s worse than what I’m experiencing now. So for us, this has brought a new sense of ‘I’m, we’re, not alone’ and I’m counting my blessings for that.

Jonnie worked at home for the first 6 weeks. He has the whole of May off as he’s has been furloughed for a month in the hope when he goes back we can function slightly better here.

We’re used to a lot of extra help because we need it. At least 24 hours a week extra help during term times. So this is tough. I’m not trying to make light of that but it’s not as tough as summers. So comparatively we are functioning ok.

In fact this time has helped us understand each other a little better. Getting to know little things about each other. Spend a little more time as a family. It’s actually made me so grateful to feel like a family more than I have in forever. Wyatt is thriving having us all around. I am finding a peace of mind and new found love for life and excitement that we get to be family. It’s actually changing me for the better.

We actually borrowed a computer to play some games on from our childhood, or I should say my childhood as Jonnie didn’t have one- so we spent three hours laughing at Jonnie and playing and hanging out which is something we haven’t done in years. Even though things are still intense, we are getting to hang out more. I’m so thankful.

Yes I have full on flipped out. Jonnie has got annoyed. I nearly cried because he made the buns wrong (and then I proceeded to make them that way because it was actually a better idea haha!), and because the shrynges weren’t in the right order. So many little things.

However, I am not looking at this depressed. I am worried for people. I pray every day for people I love. I am concerned for Lauren and Wyatt and we’re being cautious all the time. But I am looking at what I can take from it. And a healthier stronger calmer marriage is my no1 take, grateful for time, not the circumstances surrounding it. Grateful that this man is my husband and thankful that beyond all the very low of lows we’ve had, that we’re still together and we’re working every day to stay together. I’m so thankful you took a chance on me Jonathan. I’m a lucky girl! 💙

Apes x

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