I woke up today completely consumed by fear. It’s something that taunts me when it gets to rear it’s ugly head.
I kept thinking about how much I feared losing either one of my children. And then I started to panic. None of this is particularly rational. It comes from different things and situations and information. But it’s mashed together in no logical order. It’s anxiety and fear. It controlled me and made me miserable for such a long time. It still does from time to time.
I needed some time alone and so I read through some Instagram posts and from person to person learned of a mother who lost her 3 year old little girl just 4 days ago. They began the year not knowing anything was wrong. Then just a couple of months ago found an incurable cancer in her brain. I cried as I read her heart ache. I don’t know her. But I’m grateful she shared. She told of her hope and faith and said ‘faith doesn’t give you a get out of pain free pass’. And I’ve thought about that. I believe life is a test, in many respects. But that’s not the first and foremost part of the plan. It’s to have and find joy. It’s to live by faith and live in families and find love and faith and hope that will be able to see you through the pain and fear and trials.
I listened to some scriptures, I’ve watched Jill Thomas on Hope works, the ‘seeing green’ video- we had sacrament at home all dressed in our Sunday dress and I’ve hugged my children. I’ve looked at them and kissed them and taken some pictures. I’m processing and at the same time trying to be here in the moment. Because these moments don’t last forever but the love we have and bonds we make do last forever.
I just have to remind myself sometimes to take a breath and sort through my thoughts and feelings and then be here and live. Living in the moments.