It’s a grief that I didn’t know was coming

When Lauren was little, I didn’t compare her. She has cousins similar ages, but I was fairly uninterested in their development. I don’t mean that as callous as it sounds. But I couldn’t tell you when her cousins started walking or talking. I was so engrossed in Lauren and all the work ahead of us.

I chose early on that I would give it my everything. And the only way she’s not do something would be after lots and lots of tries and we would celebrate any and all of her teeny tiny milestones. I’m so grateful she’s had some huge ones.

Man, I love that little girl. I love her so much.

Until we had Wyatt I didn’t care at all about things she couldn’t do.

Recently Wyatt has started talking. He speaks to Lauren like he does us. And even though I know it’s ok that she can’t speak- it has made me so sad. She didn’t say mummy until she was 4. She didn’t say Daddy until she was nearly 8. She says Abbie, she says yeah, and she says ‘Iya’- Wyatt. But as I watch Wyatt’s vocabulary increase to making 3 word sentences even, I feel a sadness that has caught me off guard a bit.

I watch Wyatt walking around and enjoying the ability to run and jump and yesterday it just made me so sad because I’m starting to see differences that I very happily ignored. But it’s right in front of me.

I KNOW she has so much in her, we communicate, she gets to walk around, we make sure she has every opportunity. I don’t feel sorry for her in a pity kind of way, I just feel sad that it’s been so hard for her. For us. Wyatt will sit and eat right next to Lauren and his fine motor skills so developed. And although Lauren can use a spoon, her skills plateaued.

I would have found it so incredibly difficult had Wyatt come first, and then seeing Lauren’s struggle to conquer skills. I aren’t sure my heart could have taken it.

We’ve been so close knit these past months that I’m seeing every detail of difference.

I really aren’t saying that I’m disappointed, I’m not. I’m not ‘comparing’- I’m just seeing. Seeing things I never cared to before. Whilst I’m loving watching and growing with Wyatt, I’m feeling a grief I can’t even quite understand for Lauren’s struggle and also what I guess I see as her missing out on things.

It’s not a good place to stay and dwell and I’m working through it. But it has completely caught me by surprise.

I’m not sure this face needs any of that grief and sorrow…. that’s what I keep trying to focus on. And this smile that is returning a plenty!!

My beautiful Lauren 💜

April x

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